THE CONSTIPATION SWEATER
What if all of my interactions with others are a figment of my imagination
and I’m actually completely insane
is kind of an unsettling thought I had one day
so I wrote to you
lately I’ve been struggling with reality
and put reality in quotes
to emphasize the struggle
but I didn’t think struggle was the right sentiment
so I looked in a thesaurus but couldn’t find a better word
but did find give the old college try
and tried
to understand what that really means, the old college try,
but I don’t know if college was really real for me
or if all of my interactions with others were a figment of my imagination
and I was completely insane
is what you would’ve heard from me that day
if I hadn’t thrown the note away before giving it to you
because I was afraid you’d think I was completely insane
is something you should never say
to the meat department staff at your neighborhood Dominick’s
because they’ll think you’re completely insane
except for the really old guy who can’t hear anything,
he’ll keep yelling
what, what
and you’ll end up in a situation where you’re yelling all this to him
and others around you will think you’re completely insane
and the point here
is to keep this insanity thing
kind of on the down low
because you’ve spent time in the hospital
and you don’t want
to spend time in the hospital
because it’s so lonely and the gowns are so uncomfortable and the food
is so average
but mostly it’s so lonely,
the way nurses interrupt your sleep at night to replace your IV,
the way nurses wake you in the morning to take your blood,
the way the morning lasts forever and the hospital staff
places you in front of cartoons as if that's enough to get you through the day
but it’s completely maddening
and I’m so sorry for everything I’ve ever done that’s hurt you
because I didn’t mean to
is what I wanted to say that night
I returned from the hospital
and we ate dinner together
and watched Primer for the fifth time
but instead I asked if the nurse
who joked about taking my temperature rectally was flirting with me,
I washed the dishes and wrote The Constipation Sweater, about a sweater
you can wear that helps facilitate defecation.
PHOENIX VERSUS THE FLYING CHICKEN
If all this is happening on an infinite number of parallel membranes
and my life exists separately within each of those parallel membranes
then perhaps some of those existences
occasionally transcend membranes
through some type of telekinetic wormhole
and find their way
into my dreams
and I’ve actually been violently chopped in some of those existences
or my cats are not alive in some of those existences
or I died in a gruesome airline disaster above Mexico City
in March 2006
in some of those existences
which before that time I’d feared was my death dream
and after that time
decided was about how my girlfriend can sleep through anything
is something most people don’t imagine
other people are thinking
as they whip through Dominick’s
on their way home from work each night—
most people are rocking out to Yes’s Owner of a Lonely Heart,
buying tampons and peanut butter cups—
is something I hope to communicate to other me’s
who’ve never had this thought
on all those parallel membranes out there
is another example of something I should really try
to keep on the down low because others may interpret it as insane
is a thought I had one night as I whipped through Dominick’s
rocking out to Owner of a Lonely Heart, buying tampons and pbc’s
but the more intense part of the thought I had was
what if everyone in this place is having this exact same thought
and it’s what Trevor Rabin was thinking
when he wrote Owner of a Lonely Heart
and what if all the other me’s
on all those parallel membranes have already dreamt what I’m thinking
but it didn’t make any fucking sense to them
because those me’s strayed from the me who’s here
in Dominick’s right now
due to decisions they made I wish I’d made
that guided their lives to completely different places
where they have tampons and peanut butter cups but they’ve never heard
of Dominick’s
because they only have Penny Saver’s wherever they are
and they spend their days with refugees from war torn regions,
educating them
or nursing them back to good health
and they wonder
if those they educate or nurse back to good health ever wonder
if all this is happening on an infinite number of parallel membranes
and their lives exist separately within each of those parallel membranes
then perhaps some of those existences
occasionally transcend membranes
through some type of telekinetic wormhole
and find their way into their dreams
because it might explain
the meaning of the dream they had Dominick versus the tampon cup
the same way it might explain the meaning of my dream
phoenix versus the flying chicken.
THE NIGHT OF THE JAGUAR
Let’s say this emerges centuries from now in some type of post-apocalyptic
Dumont Dunes hellscape,
people are either going to be blasting around
from membrane to membrane impressed with my forward thinking
or not blasting around from membrane to membrane
amazed by my total insanity
and I expect the latter
is what most people at this point expect me to say to someone
at my neighborhood Dominick’s
because I don’t do very well
with keeping this insanity thing on the down low
but it’s not something most people expect me
to say to the pudding
at my neighborhood Dominick’s
and the reason I think the latter is because come on,
if you’re living in some type of post-apocalyptic Dumont Dunes hellscape
logic would dictate that earth has regressed
from where it is now
unless the educational divide has become so extreme
that the highly educated have wormholed their way
to more tolerable parallel membranes
and left this post-apocalyptic Dumont Dunes hellscape to those of us
who enjoy tearing into a good piece of meat with our hands
and pleading to our faithful squadron to
bring us the head
of Orpheus the Mighty
for the Night of the Jaguar is upon us
and blood will surely flow
red like the river Hades through this long ago forsaken hellscape
in which case
descendents, I salute thee!
is something we’ve all thought about at some point
as we whipped through Dominick’s on our way home from work at night,
but how many of us have outlined
everything we have in common with the jaguar
on the back of our grocery lists
in the hope that we might be revered
in the chance this future outcome happens?
Here’s mine:
We are both solitary, stalk-and-ambush predators.
We are both opportunistic in prey selection.
We both bite directly through the skull of our prey.
We both enjoy swimming.
We both range from Paraguay to México.
We are both compact and well-muscled, with robust heads and powerful jaws.
We both reach sexual maturity at three to four years of age.
We both practice aggression avoidance behavior.
We are both the national animal of Guyana.
Of course it’d be ridiculous for me to want to be worshipped for this type
of forward thinking
but I think revered would be nice
but I don’t know, in this scenario there’s probably not
a lot of reading going on
but instead a lot of heat and blood and dunes
and filth and false idolatry
but the good news is if someone does read this,
I’m not going to seem totally insane
because the Night of the Jaguar is upon us, my brethren,
and blood is about to flow red like the river Hades, red like the river Hades
as you go forth and bring me the head of Orpheus the Mighty!
© Jason Bredle 2009
